In my yoga class today, the instructor asked us what we would do if we were told that we could press a button and instantly get anything we wanted. He said that the most common answer he receives from people is that they want freedom. So I started having this picture in my head that Martha Beck describes in her book Steering by Starlight of two inmates staring through the bars of a prison window. They fail to notice that there are no walls on the prison, yet they are holding bars to their own faces with their own hands. Of course, this cartoon depicts the idea that we create our own sense of imprisonment in our minds by what we believe. People say they are ‘trapped’ in a job or marriage. The two most common terms that will tell you that you are creating your own prison are:
I have to
&
I can’t
We probably all use these frequently. But next time you use it, ask yourself where your choices are. I have to go to my mother-in-law’s for Thanksgiving…. But do you really have to? Aren’t you choosing to go over the alternative of upsetting your spouse, or whatever you perceive to be the consequences of not going? Will you be struck dead if you don’t go? Then you don’t have to. Doesn’t it feel more empowering to view things as a choice, instead of as a victim?
When I first thought about wanting to be a coach, I was trapped in the belief that I can’t because it takes a lot of money to get training and then start a practice, and I have to stay at a job with a paycheck because I am a single mom. But then I thought about those two statements as representing the prison bars that I am holding up, even though there may be no walls. So I tried an experiment. What would happen if I temporarily put those two thoughts aside, as if they didn’t exist? It was SO POWERFUL to feel so clearly that this is what I want to do. This is my next step! And then I remembered from some past experiences that when my essential self speaks to me and I listen, I don’t have to worry about the how. It will show itself. And now here I am, a Certified Martha Beck Coach!
So where in your life do you believe that you aren’t free? Are you holding up any prison bars with no solid walls? Are you saying I can’t and I have to? Are you missing something your essential self is trying to tell you? Post your comments and we can explore!
This is the mantra of my friend and coach Catherine Thorburn. The idea of being ‘big’ used to horrify me. Especially because I was accused of being too big for much of my life. I can remember my supervisor pulling me aside when I worked with a group of about ten clinical social workers in Los Angeles and telling me that when we met for group discussions or trainings that I “participated too much”. I can remember many occasions as a child growing up when my energy and enthusiasm was “too much” (note to self: remember this when your son’s life force is breaking the sound barrier). I can even remember a former boyfriend saying, “Why can’t you be more like Eileen across the street? She is soft and quiet”.
So the message was be small. But I couldn’t! It’s not who I am.
Then I read a quote by Marianne Williamson,
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.
So now I get it. It’s okay to be all of who you are. So what would be different if I take on Catherine’s mantra to Go Big? Could I be wildly successful as a coach and not feel guilty? Instead of saying “this is how much money I need to make to pay my bills”, could I say, “this is how much I WANT to make”?
Sometimes people play small to not upset the apple cart in their relationship. They hold back so as not to make their partner feel small. But the result of this can be that you play small for so long that you no longer remember your bigness.
One of my favorite blogs, The Good Vibe Blog by Jeannette Maw, recently featured a guest post by Debra Gehrke about being a divine elephant with amnesia living in an ant hole. Talk about living small! We are all divine elephants. What would be different in your life if you woke up from your amnesia and stopped trying to live in an ant hole? What would change tomorrow (or today) if you were willing to be the elephant?
In July, 2006, Will Bowen was inspired by the words of Maya Angelou:
‘If you don’t like something, change it; if you can’t change it, change your attitude—don’t’ complain.’
He suggested that members of his church in Kansas City eradicate complaining from their lives. To assist everyone, he came up with a purple bracelet that each person wears and switches from one wrist to the other whenever he or she finds themselves complaining. By striving to reach 21 days without complaining, each person creates a new habit. The comments came pouring in about how this changed peoples’ lives! The concept exploded and they have just issued their six millionth bracelet.
Just think about what would happen if you and the people around you had to shift your thinking every time you had the impulse to speak a complaint. What if you spoke instead about the way you desire things to be, instead of complaining about how they are? Do you suppose you might start noticing your negative thoughts more? And then you would have to find a way to turn your thinking around so that it wasn’t a complaint. How would that change your life?
Since I do weight coaching, let me give you an example. My client, ‘Cindy’ complains that she looks crappy in her black pants. When I help her to change that thought into something that isn’t a complaint (and feels better), she comes up with the thought, “Now that I am listening to my body’s signals and only eating when my body is hungry for fuel, I know that my pants will feel more comfortable as I keep learning”. Another thought she came up with was to focus on aspects of her appearance that make her happy. By shifting away from complaining, she diverted herself away from the downward spiral she used to take when she focused on what was wrong with her body. The old thoughts only led to overeating to help her disconnect from the painful feelings associated with the painful thoughts. You can see how this kept her stuck in a never ending cycle. You can also see how changing your crappy thoughts is the essence of coaching!
I invite you to go to their website and order your bracelets. Check out the stories of how people transformed their workplace or classroom. How do you think your life would be different if you became complaint free? Post your comments here and keep me posted as it happens!
You’ve probably all seen the short video that’s been going around the internet that lists famous people who failed and ends with the line, “If you haven’t failed, you haven’t lived” ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dT4Fu-XDygw). Very inspirational. But applying it to my life was something altogether different.
We have a saying in Martha Beck Life Coach Training. It’s “be willing to suck at it”. That’s the way we are supposed to learn. Be willing to just get out there and do it. Go talk in front of groups. Coach as many people as you can to learn how to be a better coach. Okay, all that is just fine in theory. I guess that because I was a therapist for 20 years, the idea of coaching wasn’t that scary. But when it came time to do new things that I’ve never done, like create a website, promote myself, go on social networking sites….my inner lizard went bonkers (that’s Martha Beck’s name for the part of our reptilian brain that always broadcasts lack and attack). I didn’t want to suck!!!
But then I remembered (thanks to my coaching buddy Melanie) what Martha Beck has been talking to us about all summer. She has been studying the brain research around talent and a concept called “deep practice” (see Daniel Coyle’s book, The Talent Code). There are several elements in this theory, but I can simplify by saying that a key component is that people become extremely skilled at something, not because of innate talent, but because they learned from failing. Each time they practiced mastering a new part of the skill, they felt their mistake and corrected it. Then they did it again, and again, and again. Until they got it perfect. This practice increases a substance in the brain called “myelin” which is directly correlated with acquisition of talent. He uses Tiger Woods and Michelangelo as examples.
So, I’m not planning to be a perfect coach. But I am willing to suck so that I gain more skill every time. Are you willing to suck? Why or why not?
We hear things everyday about how we can heal our bodies and our hearts by changing our thoughts. This is an underlying premise of coaching. But did you know it could be this easy?
Sometimes ACTION changes our thoughts. The action of giving creates such a chain reaction throughout our lives and the lives of others.
It changes our thinking away from our problems.
It creates higher level feelings as we experience the effect our giving has on others.
It brings joy to those who receive.
It changes our environment when we feel better since those around us are impacted by our new energy.
What a powerful force!
Can you add one thing to your day for the next 29 days? One small gesture to give to someone or something? Cami’s experience around money and giving when she didn’t feel like she had it was pretty amazing, don’t you think?
So if you want to change your life, GIVE!
Sign up today at http://www.29gifts.org/ or send them a donation!
arriage. The two most common terms that will tell you that you are creating your own prison are:
