Because you might feel bad if I do.

Because I might disappoint you.

Because you might not like me.

Because you might get angry.

When you react from this place, you are denying who you are.  You are shutting yourself down to please others.  So when others approve of you and ‘like you’, who are they really liking?  Is it really you?  Or is it your presentation of what you think they want you to be?

But aren’t we supposed to take care of others and help others?  Isn’t it selfish of me to say no?  My rule of thumb is that I can take care of you or help you when it doesn’t hurt me. When it hurts me, it is time to say no.

When it comes to relationships with men, women sometimes fear that if I say no, he will get angry.  If I tell him how I really feel, he won’t like it (or won’t love me).  But going back to the material from last month on Masculine and Feminine Energy, we learn that a man feels safe and trusts a woman MORE when she says no and expresses her true feelings because he knows she is being authentic. He can tell when she is expressing her true feelings. The more he experiences her being authentic, the more he knows he can trust her.  And that builds closeness in the relationship.

So saying no can actually result in the opposite of what you are afraid of.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Byron Katie, “Sometimes saying no to you is yes to me”.

• projecting onto others what you cannot face inside of yourself

This is an interesting dynamic.  In this scenario, a person who has unresolved issues in a certain area will unconsciously choose a partner who also has unresolved issues in that area.  For example, a current client had some difficult financial issues in both of her marriages.  In the first one, her spouse was financially irresponsible and accumulated a lot of debt for the couple.  Since her second husband was financially secure and savvy, she thought she had no worries in this area.  But it turned out that he was very controlling around money and used it to be critical of her earnings and to ‘keep score’.  As I learned more about her history, it turns out that her parents were very focused on saving money and she heard messages growing up about money that were fear-based and ‘not enough’.  Although she is aware that she has her issues in this area, she believes that the problems in both marriages around money were all based on his behaviors.  In other words, her own issues are unresolved and she projected onto him what she had not looked at in herself.

Why do we avoid looking at our own unresolved issues and end up married to someone with related issues?  Why do some people who grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent end up married to an alcoholic?

Here are two theories:

The first one was articulated by Dr. Freud.  He called it the ‘repetition compulsion’.  He said that when we have unresolved childhood wounds we are drawn to people who will ‘re-injur’ us in that area.  This is so we can attempt to ‘fix it’ as an adult because we believe it will be different with our partner.

How’s that workin for ya (as Dr. Phil likes to say)?

Not so good.

Another explanation is that the law of attraction brings things into our lives on the same vibrational level that we are at.  So if you are fear based around money, you will attract someone to you who is fear based.  And most issues around money are fear based.

So how do we make better choices in our relationships and not end up with someone  who has the very problems we are avoiding inside ourselves?

Look in the mirror.  Get clean on your own issues.  Notice what’s coming up in your relationships with others and ask yourself “what is my part?”  Maybe the reason that person is in your life is to help you look at your own issues.  So instead of blaming, look at it as an opportunity for your growth.

During my free coaching call ast month’s call, I referred to the work of Rori Raye and Pat Allen, relationship coaches in Los Angeles.  They define masculine energy as:

Thinking
Action-oriented
Decision making
Giving

and feminine energy as:

Feeling
Expressing
Sensual
Receiving

The biggest challenge I currently see in my coaching practice (and myself) is that women have become accustomed to ‘changing the world’ in their careers, often by doing, action and assertiveness, which are masculine energies.  So when they try to ‘just be’ in their love relationships, they don’t know how.

In addition to not knowing, women also are reluctant to ‘giving up control’.  What I mean by that is to stop ‘trying to make things happen’.  Like getting him to call me, getting him to do things a certain way, getting him to change or be anything different than who he is. How do you think he feels when she is sending these messages?

The way I am doing it is not good enough.

So what if a woman just stopped trying to control the outcome in areas of their relationship where they feel frustrated?  Instead, she just focused on BEING herself.  Knowing she is worthy of love because of who she is, not what she does.  When a woman stops ‘making effort’ and moves into a deeper level of just allowing a man to experience who she is by sharing her feelings, she makes room for him to move closer.  She becomes more of a magnet, than a pursuer.  She invites and allows his masculine traits, like giving and action.  Isn’t that what she was trying to get all along?

So by not trying, a feminine woman gets what she wants.  By just being.

• Denying what is before your eyes

Who hasn’t employed a little denial in their relationships?  Sometimes a small, healthy dose of not looking at reality is helpful in accepting our partner for who they are.  By pushing away from our conscious attention those things that might be annoying, we are focusing on the positive aspects we love about the person.  But the big difference in that scenario is choice.  We are aware of the things we choose not to focus on.

But denial is a way of staying unconscious about these things.  For example, if I value honesty and I see my partner cheating people in business, do I notice this?  Am I honest with myself?  Or do I make excuses internally?  What are some reasons a person might chose to deny what is in front of them?  Here are some examples from my clients and my life:

This person has other qualities that I really value

I am already invested in this relationship

I am in love

It’s not that bad

I think that each of these statements have an underlying second part….”and I am afraid that I won’t be able to find someone else to love me that does not do that”.

So we close our eyes and move forward and guess what?  The day always arrives when that comes back to bite us in the butt!  Now my partner is being dishonest with me.

Ending a relationship can be difficult.  But not denying what is before our eyes early in the relationship will save a lot of heartache down the road.

• Wanting to fulfill a fantasy.
• Denying what is before your eyes.
• Trying to reinforce a cherished self-image.
• Buying into beliefs that don’t fit reality.
• Stubbornly insisting that your way is the right way.
• Depending on others too much, or the opposite, trying to control others too much.
• Acting immaturely.
• Imitating your parents’ relationship or the opposite, trying to have the opposite of their relationship.
• Repeating the past because you distrust the future.
• Projecting on to others what you cannot face inside yourself.

There is so much to look at here.  How many of us really look closely at ourselves when a relationship doesn’t work out?  Too many people focus on the other person and their flaws and place blame.  I wanted to explore a few of these more deeply.  I’ll start with the first one and continue in future blogs or next month’s newsletter (make sure you have  signed up to receive them each month).

Why do we get into relationships to fulfill a fantasy?  Is there some belief that says, “If I am with this person, it means……”  This is an important question to answer.  What are you making it mean?  Does it mean I’m attractive enough because my partner is good looking?  Does it mean I am successful because my partner has a lot of money?  Does it mean I’m lovable because my partner is clingy and doesn’t like to go anywhere without me?

Do we really want our definition of ourselves to be based on things about our partner?  Why do we do this?  There is really only one answer.  Because we are not taking responsibility for seeing ourselves in the positive way we want to be seen.  So if I have a need to see myself as more attractive and I pick a partner who is either very good looking, or finds me very good looking, then I might not see my partner for who he really is.  I’m too busy getting that need met.  What if I could get that need met in me first before I seek a partner?  Wouldn’t that allow me to see my partner more clearly?

We all seek to get some needs met by a partner.  Taking a good look at what those are can really help you see patterns in your relationship choices.   More importantly, it can direct you to see what needs you should be taking responsibility for meeting yourself.

So what do you really want?  In my November newsletter (you can sign up to receive my monthly newsletter on the left of the screen, which also now includes delivery of my blog), I talked about feeling successful.  What does that mean to you?  For me, deciding how I want to schedule my day makes me feel successful, so I can CREATE that feeling by focusing on my ability to schedule my day.  What makes you feel successful?  For some people, that means having more time to spend with family.  So by spending more time with  family, you CREATE the feeling of success, which forces the Universe to bring you more success.

When you deliberately focus on creating the feelings that you really want, the POSSIBILITIES ARE UNLIMITED!

It’s a good idea to regularly ask yourself this question.  What do I really want?  Really think about it.  Go beyond your usual answers and do some digging.  You will find more of what you yearn for.  The first step is to ask why.

Do you want fame and fortune?  Why?

I want to be famous because then millions of people will know who I am.

Why do you want that?

I want to know that I matter.

Why?  What is the feeling you are trying to achieve?

I want to feel important.

Is there a way that you can give yourself that feeling?  Things you can remind yourself of to reinforce that you are important?

I guess I could remind myself that I make a difference in the lives of my friends and family.

It helps to even make a list of ways you make a difference to your friends and family.

Here is a great example from a conversation I had with my friend Jeanette Maw, The Good Vibe Coach, recently:

I thought I wanted 1000 daily blog hits , but that was not it because once it got there I thought why did I think that would be so cool?   What I really wanted was to be making a strong impact with my writing knowing that lots of people were benefiting from it, feeling a beautiful community connecting through it, not the number!”

Jeanette really got clear about what she wanted by asking herself why!

So ask yourself what you want.  Then ask why a few times and try to identify the feeling state  that you are really trying to achieve.  Now ask yourself if there are other ways to bring more of that feeling into your life.

Sometimes what we think we want is quite different then what we really want.

What do you really want?

I have to

&

I can’t

We probably all use these frequently.  But next time you use it, ask yourself where your choices are.  I have to go to my mother-in-law’s for Thanksgiving….  But do you really have to?  Aren’t you choosing to go over the alternative of upsetting your spouse, or whatever you perceive to be the consequences of not going?  Will you be struck dead if you don’t go?  Then you don’t have to.  Doesn’t it feel more empowering to view things as a choice, instead of as a victim?

When I first thought about wanting to be a coach, I was trapped in the belief that I can’t because it takes a lot of money to get training and then start a practice, and I have to stay at a job with a paycheck because I am a single mom.  But then I thought about those two statements as representing the prison bars that I am holding up, even though there may be no walls.  So I tried an experiment.  What would happen if I temporarily put those two thoughts aside, as if they didn’t exist?  It was SO POWERFUL to feel so clearly that this is what I want to do.  This is my next step!  And then I remembered from some past experiences that when my essential self speaks to me and I listen, I don’t have to worry about the how.  It will show itself.  And now here I am, a Certified Martha Beck Coach!

So where in your life do you believe that you aren’t free?  Are you holding up any prison bars with no solid walls?  Are you saying I can’t and I have to?  Are you missing something your essential self is trying to tell you?  Post your comments and we can explore!

So the message was be small.  But I couldn’t!  It’s not who I am.

Then I read  a quote by Marianne Williamson,

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.

So now I get it.  It’s okay to be all of who you are.  So what would be different if I take on Catherine’s mantra to Go Big?  Could I be wildly successful as a coach and not feel guilty?  Instead of saying “this is how much money I need to make to pay my bills”, could I say, “this is how much I WANT to make”?

Sometimes people play small to not upset the apple cart in their relationship.  They hold back so as not to make their partner feel small.  But the result of this can be that you play small for so long that you no longer remember your bigness.

One of my favorite blogs, The Good Vibe Blog by Jeannette Maw, recently featured a guest post by Debra Gehrke about being a divine elephant with amnesia living in an ant hole.  Talk about living small!  We are all divine elephants.  What would be different in your life if you woke up from your amnesia and stopped trying to live in an ant hole?  What would change tomorrow (or today) if you were willing to be the elephant?

I am ready to live big.  Are you?

In July, 2006, Will Bowen was inspired by the words of Maya Angelou:

‘If you don’t like something, change it; if you can’t change it, change your attitude—don’t’ complain.’

He suggested that members of his church in Kansas City eradicate complaining from their lives.  To assist everyone, he came up with a purple bracelet that each person wears and switches from one wrist to the other whenever he or she finds themselves complaining. By striving to reach 21 days without complaining, each person creates a new habit. The comments came pouring in about how this changed peoples’ lives! The concept exploded and they have just issued their six millionth bracelet.

Just think about what would happen if you and the people around you had to shift your thinking every time you had the impulse to speak a complaint.  What if you spoke instead about the way you desire things to be, instead of complaining about how they are?  Do you suppose you might start noticing your negative thoughts more?  And then you would have to find a way to turn your thinking around so that it wasn’t a complaint.  How would that change your life?

Since I do weight coaching, let me give you an example.  My client, ‘Cindy’ complains that she looks crappy in her black pants.  When I help her to change that thought into something that isn’t a complaint (and feels better), she comes up with the thought, “Now that I am listening to my body’s signals and only eating when my body is hungry for fuel, I know that my pants will feel more comfortable as I keep learning”.  Another thought she came up with was to focus on aspects of her appearance that make her happy.  By shifting away from complaining, she diverted herself away from the downward spiral she used to take when she focused on what was wrong with her body.  The old thoughts only led to overeating to help her disconnect from the painful feelings associated with the painful thoughts.  You can see how this kept her stuck in a never ending cycle.  You can also see how changing your crappy thoughts is the essence of coaching!

I invite you to go to their website and order your bracelets.  Check out the stories of how people transformed their workplace or classroom.  How do you think your life would be different if you became complaint free?  Post your comments here and keep me posted as it happens!