In one of my favorite movies of all-time (The Wizard of Oz), Dorothy learns that she had within herself the power to return to her home in Kansas all along and that she never really needed the much-touted but empty powers of The Wizard. How many of us have embarked on a yellow brick road, looking for answers from experts on how to solve our biggest problems? Is it possible that we’ve always had the power within ourself to find the answer?

So what gets in the way?

The first obstacle is the belief that someone else knows the answer better than we do. So we keep very busy looking for this “someone else” to tell us. And while we are so busy, we are avoiding the one thing that is most likely to lead us to our answers:

Getting quiet with ourself.

Quiet enough to listen.

Because sometimes it is uncomfortable and we don’t want to hear it. Sometimes the message we get from inside of our deepest knowing and wisdom is:

There is no right answer, or

It is not time to decide.

It is our quest for fixes and answers that leads us down that yellow brick road. But sometimes we have to allow the present to just be exactly as it is right now. Even when that feels bad.

Then there are the times when we don’t like the answer from deep inside ourself, so we continue to ask the Scarecrow, the Tin-man and the Lion. But let’s not forget that they, too, were looking for answers. And they, too, had the answers inside of themselves.

So here are 3 steps you can take to save yourself the trip over the rainbow and access the power inside of you to figure out the answer to any problem:

1. Make a commitment to putting yourself and your needs as a top priority by writing time in your schedule to “See The Wizard” (you are The Wizard). Honor this appointment as if it were an appointment with an important client that pays you money. Create a space where you cannot be interrupted.
2. We’re off the See The Wizard. Just get still and quiet. Take some deep breaths and focus your attention onto your breathing to help it shift away from the chatter of your mind. Your mind will still chatter, but keep moving your focus onto your breath….. then into your physical body becoming still and quiet.
3. Next, recall a time that you felt very, very peaceful and let that memory embody all of your senses until your whole being feels very calm. Now ask yourself the question that you were saving for The Wizard. Just ask and let it go. Don’t search for an answer. Just be still and calm. See what comes up. Maybe nothing. Maybe an idea, or an image or an insight. Or maybe today is not the day. But that’s okay, because this wizard is not difficult to get an appointment with. This Emerald City is open any time you are willing to make the time for yourself.

At the end of the movie, Dorothy learns how to rely on her own power to find her way back and says,

“If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard because, if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

So let’s stop traveling over the rainbow and down the yellow brick road and look in our own backyard to find the source of our power!

Next time, I will share another obstacle we face in accessing our own answers when we tell ourselves “big, fat lies”…..Stay tuned for How To Find Your Power, Part II

A 2009 article in O magazine reported on a study conducted at Stanford with over 1500 participants, looking at what differentiated partners in happy, healthy relationships from people who were disappointed and unhappy.  The only indicator that had an impact on long-term satisfaction:  blaming your partner for problems in the relationship!

Being responsible for ourselves and our behaviors is at the root of maturity.  But  that requires being in our “adult self”.  As I’ve mentioned in prior articles, sometimes we can easily shift into our “child self” when we are triggered.  And being told you are wrong, or the perception that you are being told you are wrong, often triggers strong emotions, especially shame.

So here’s how it might look:

Sally and Bill are having a disagreement. Both of them have internal “Love Stories” from their early experiences of being shamed by a critical parent.  Bill’s is “I am a failure” and Sally’s is “I am not valued”.  Sally is angry that Bill spent $150 to play golf while they are struggling financially.  Rather than listening respectfully to each other’s positions, each of them jumped into blaming the other and defending their own position.

Bill said, “If you didn’t nag me so much about the bills, I wouldn’t need to get outdoors and relieve my stress!”

Sally said, “If you spent more time looking for a better job, we wouldn’t be in this mess!”

The more each of them felt attacked, the more that “I am a failure” and “I am not valued” place got triggered.  And once Sally or Bill went into their “child self”, they reacted from that overly emotional, wounded, irrational place.  Had each one known how to move into their “adult self”, they each could have looked at what part each one was responsible for.  The problem is when we confuse BEING RESPONSIBLE with BEING WRONG.  Each of them thought that to admit responsibility for their part would feel like defeat, since they had frequently been blamed and made wrong as children.

You (or Sally or Bill or anyone) cannot navigate conflict in a health way in any of your relationships if you do not take responsibility for the part you are creating.

“Whenever we blame others for the current circumstances in our lives, we

abdicate responsibility for our choices and we reinforce our own impotence.

We construct an either/or world – either I am right (and someone else is wrong),

or I am wrong (and therefore, deeply shamed).”

-Katherine Woodward Thomas, Calling in the One

So you end up stuck in your “child self” and powerless.  When you learn to lead from your adult self, you know that it feels good to take responsibility for yourself and stop being a victim.  You create relationships based on love where it is safe to admit one’s mistakes without fear of retribution.  You create relationships where you allow your partner to feel safe to admit their faults without being judged.  In this atmosphere, love thrives.

Sometimes in order to do this we have to let go of the concept of “fair”.  I’ve always remembered a quote I heard back in 1988 from Los Angeles radio psychologist Dr. Toni Grant, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be loved?”

Everyone has a ‘story’, right?

What I mean by that is that everyone has a set of beliefs about themselves and their relationship to everything else (love, money, luck, life, etc).  Some stories look like this:

I cannot earn a lot of money right now because the economy is bad and because my former manager embezzled money from me so I can’t trust anyone to work for me and ……

But the real story that this person has deep within is:

I am not successful; I will never have what others have; I cannot count on anyone to be loyal to me….

These are her (or his) deeply held and sometimes even unconscious beliefs about her/himself.  These beliefs, or this STORY will define how you show up in life!  That’s why it is so important to know your Love Story.

Your Love Story is the set of deeply held beliefs you hold about yourself in relation to love. These stories are usually formed very early in our lives, before we have the ability to understand the meaning we are giving to our early experiences.  For example, one client, I’ll call her Monica, struggles with intense fears of abandonment and will act in ways that push men away in her relationships.  Monica was not really consciously aware of what her Love Story was or how it was formed until we worked together to transform her story.

During the transformation exercises I use in my Finding the Love of My Life by becoming it first course, Monica was able to connect the experiences she kept having in her relationships with some early life experiences that created her story that “people who I depend on for love always leave”.  Once she could identify her story, she was able to use the tools to transform the old story into a new story and show up differently in her life.  Here are some other examples of Love Stories:

• I am not safe so I have to build walls to keep away danger
• I am not wanted or desired so I don’t value myself enough
• My needs are not important so I focus on taking care of your needs (and mine get neglected and then I become resentful)

Do you recognize any of these stories?

If not, what is yours?

Post your comments here so we can discuss!

You might be thinking,

Oh yes!  I am open and have so much to give!  And I sure am ready for someone to love me!

But are you really ready?  You see, it’s not that simple.  The reason that so many relationships fail is that people haven’t done the work of getting ready by cleaning up and clearing out the past.

If you find yourself repeating patterns in your relationships, you’re not ready.

If you find yourself dating or attracting the same ‘type’ of person again and again, you’re not ready.

If you don’t believe that you are worthy of your ideal partner who will deeply love and value you, you’re not ready.

If you are still holding on to anger or resentments from the past, then you are definitely not ready!

So why focus on the past?  Why not just let go and move on?  Well actually, that is exactly what you need to do.  But it isn’t done by saying, “I’ve let go”.  It isn’t done until you take responsibility for every part of your past that you helped to create.  Yes, you.  That does not mean that the other person wasn’t nasty or selfish or immature or maybe even evil!  But you don’t need to take responsibility for their part.  As a matter of fact, that is part of the problem.  You are paying too much attention to their part.    Any area where you still hold energy around ‘their part’, you are staying stuck.

So how do you let go so you can be ready?  There are two important tasks that you can take on.  I’ll address the first one here, and the second one next time.

First, make a list of every person you have resentment toward and list every single thing you resent them for.  Katherine Woodward Thomas says it best in her book, Calling in the One:

Realize that you are only resentful to the extent that you have given away your personal power.  If you are in full possession of your person power, you can afford to be generous when someone else is behaving poorly.  It’s only when you don’t own your power fully that it shows up as resentment.

Letting go of old resentments allows us to reclaim our personal power and take complete responsibility for our lives.

Next write down every way you contributed to the outcome you resent that person for.  Now you are not saying that it’s your fault.  You are looking at yourself to learn so you can be ready for love.  The opposite of resentment is acceptance. Sometimes we have to accept the losses involved in our past.  And sometimes that involves accepting how we contributed to causing our pain.

You will know that you are ‘done’ with past relationships when you don’t have energy around them anymore.  And that is the space that opens up for love to come in.

I used to love that song by Bad Company in 1974.  We can use these lyrics as a guide for this journey:

Now I’m on my feet again,
Better things are bound to happen,
All my dues surely must be paid,
Many miles and many tears,
Times were hard, but now they’re changing,
You should know that I’m not afraid,

Next time I will discuss another important task in clearing out the past to get ready for love; looking at your ‘love stories’.  These are your beliefs about yourself in relation to love and partnering.

My inner what?  Did you know that you have a lizard living inside of your head?  Paul MacLean, a neuroscientist in the 1960s, named the human brain stem as the ‘reptilian brain’ because the forebrains of reptiles were dominated by these same structures (basal ganglia) and accounted for certain instinctual behaviors in these species such as breathing, heart rate and the ‘fight or flight response’.

When we react with primitive emotions instead of rational thought, it is the reptilian brain that causes these impulses.  Naming it our ‘inner lizard’ helps us cope by giving it an image and identity that helps us recognize that it is a biologically-based response and not who we are. This allows us to notice these thoughts so we can manage them.

In her book Steering By Starlight, Martha Beck (my teacher and mentor)discusses how our inner lizards broadcast FEAR from a lack or attack perspective.  I don’t have enough or someone is trying to take it away.

So many of our problems in relationships come from this fear based thinking:

He doesn’t pay enough attention to me

She will want someone else

He didn’t do what he said he would

She pays more attention to her friends and the kids

You see, these are all thoughts we tell ourselves and they all come from a place of fear that I will not be okay. If it didn’t come back to that fear, then why would it matter if any of those things were true?  Now keep in mind that the lizard’s job is to constantly broadcast fear (lack and attack) in an effort to keep us safe.  The problem is that what developed through evolution to protect us from saber tooth tigers now sends the same danger signal to my client when she is waiting for a man to call her and he doesn’t.

So we have to learn to notice from a calm, non-reactive place what our inner lizard is telling us and then access more rational parts of our brain and assess the real danger.  In the above example, my client went into panic mode because this guy did not call.  What was her lizard telling her?

He’s not calling you because he doesn’t want you and no man is ever going to want you and you will be alone the rest of your life!

Wow, sometimes that lizard is pretty harsh!  Once she stopped to pay attention to the lizard’s words (lizards speak in biological impulses such as racing heart, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, etc) she realized that they were pretty extreme.  But before she learned how to notice the lizard’s words, she just noticed the feeling of panic and it was intolerable and scary.  Now she knows that it was just THE THOUGHTS that were scary.  Once she learned how to soothe herself and speak to that wounded place that was afraid of being unloved or alone, the biological signals of the lizard calmed down completely.  And now she is learning that most of the time, those ‘lizard thoughts’ are not even true so believing them is pretty crazy!

So, next time your reptilian brain, or inner lizard starts freaking out, pay attention to the message.  These are the thoughts you are actually telling yourself!  Do they sound a bit extreme?  Is your lizard a bully?  Are you going to let a bully push you around?

I often hear people complain that their partner is not committed to them. The next question I always ask is “How committed to you are you?”

Are there aspects of how we commit to others or how others commit to us that are really a reflection of our commitment to ourselves?

Take just one area of your life where you are not meeting your goals or living life the way you want to. This will reflect some way in which you have not made the commitment to yourself. You can look at relationships, business, health…..

I’ll use health as an example. Specifically eating healthy and exercising enough to maintain good health. How committed are you? It may seem like a simple question but be sure to look at both parts of commitment; your beliefs and your actions.

I guess the action part speaks for itself. Do you eat a healthy diet? Is your weight within a healthy range? Do you eat enough whole foods versus processed foods? Obviously, the actions you are taking will tell you something about your commitment.

However, your beliefs in this area are even MORE important because they will drive all of your actions! What are your beliefs about committing to yourself? Do you make excuses? Do you put other things first? Here’s an example I noticed in myself:

In order to eat healthy meals, I need to allocate time to prepare them. Otherwise, I just grab what’s quick and easy if I don’t have time to prepare fresh food. This results in eating more processed foods. So when I am making decisions all day long about how I am spending my time, I am telling myself that getting my work done is more important than my health if I don’t honor that commitment to make the time to eat in a way that takes better care of my health. It is easy to tell myself that I am just too busy. But it really boils down to commitment. If I knew that the only chance I had to live another year was to make time to cook then I can assure you my commitment to eating healthy would be so strong that I would make that time no matter what.

I think that is a powerful realization that applies to every area of our lives. Why haven’t you made a bigger commitment to yourself for what is important to you? What excuses are you telling yourself? What would the cost of not doing it have to be to you to increase your commitment?

So now I consciously ask myself this question every day. How committed am I? What am I willing to do to keep that commitment? Am I willing to be uncomfortable? Am I willing to make it more important than something else?

I am giving you permission to need love.  What is your reaction when you read that?  The word need makes me a little uncomfortable.  I don’t want to be ‘needy’.  I should be able to meet all of my own needs and not depend on others, right?

Well not necessarily.

This is good wisdom for someone who is learning to be responsible for meeting their own needs, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t need others.  It sounds a little confusing so let me try to clarify.

In our overly psychologically sophisticated culture, we have gotten confused between codependence and interdependence. Codependence is when care-taking reaches unhealthy levels and when you put others needs first before considering the impact on yourself. You have a strong need for others approval and acceptance which underlies the ‘giving’.

Interdependence is both mutual dependence and independence.  How can this be?  The dependence is based on free choice, not on the sense that one cannot be okay without the other.  It takes a certain maturity to be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough with another person to be interdependent. So you have to be independent enough create this mutual dependence.

In our confusion, we have pulled back, fearing any type of dependence on another person.  The truth is that we all need each other.  And we need to feel nurtured, connected and valued.  Here’s “Ellen’s rule for dependency”

As long as I am meeting my own needs for nurturing, connection and feeling valued, it is okay to need or want to receive them from others.

I believe there is a negative consequence for not needing love.  We can fool ourselves into believing this and then push love away or keep it out of our lives.   I have coached men and women who believe that it is ‘too needy’ to acknowledge that they are lonely and want to be loved.  It is actually part of being human to want/need to be loved.

Sometimes when a client tells me that his/her partner says they are too needy, it is actually a case of choosing someone who is unwilling or unable to meet their needs.  Of course this leads me to explore how willing they are to honor their own emotional needs. And what about the fact that many of us do have wounds and unmet needs from the past that sometimes spill into neediness?  This can  lead some to shut down all needs for connection with others.  This is not how we were meant to live our lives.  We are here to have relationships.  Instead of trying to shut down your needs, why not take them seriously and begin developing relationships with people who are willing to respond lovingly to you!

It is important and helpful to become aware of the agendas we have in our relationships.  First, I will explore how this impacts the development of a new relationship and then I will show you how it applies to all relationships.

Think about the early stages of dating or getting to know someone. In the beginning, she is checking him out (the genders are all interchangeable and apply across the board) to see if he meets her needs….

Does he want to get married?

Does he want children?

Does he have a good job?

Does he have too much baggage?

But while she is processing this data, is she really present? Can she really be open to knowing this man while she is calculating future outcomes? If she is focused on her agenda, how can she really see him or hear him? I’m not saying that we don’t consider getting our needs met when forming a new relationship. I’m referring here to the idea that when it becomes an agenda, those thoughts can take over the process of how we create connection. Sometimes the voice inside our head directing these agendas is so loud that it takes us away from creating the intimacy we desire.

Another agenda might be to focus on how he will see her:

Will he think I’m attractive?

Should I be more outgoing or reserved?

Was his ex too needy? Maybe I should be more independent?

This agenda, focusing also takes her away from interacting with this person in an open, authentic and conscious manner. Does she want to know more about him? Is she showing interest? Is she interested in what is important to him?

You can’t develop a true relationship with someone if you aren’t interested in who they really are. If you are more focused on your own needs, you won’t be available for the connection. If you aren’t really looking at the other person, but instead wanting what you want, you are really looking to CONTROL the relationship. You are trying to feel some control over not being hurt.

If you want to create a healthy relationship, you have to be willing to give up control. The truth is that no matter how much you try, you cannot protect yourself from hurt or disappointment in relationships because it is a part of life. All love involves risk. But it’s worth it.

So the question to explore is really about what motivates you to be in a relationship? If you want to create a healthy, emotionally intimate relationship, then you have to let go of your agendas.

What about relationships we are already in? Do we still have agendas about getting our needs met? I know that I have found myself guilty of this. What I have learned is to notice my ‘agenda thoughts’ and recognize that they usually come from a place of fear and wanting to control the outcome. Then I put them aside temporarily so I can be present and really pay attention to the other person. Where are they coming from? What are their needs? Then I ask the most important question:

Am I doing what I need to do to take care of my needs?

If not, then I have work to do.

Isn’t it funny how it always comes back to that!

What are some of your agendas in your relationships? Post your comment so we can start a discussion!

Having a great relationship when everyone is happy and life is going well is the easy part.  Things get a little messier when one of you is going through a ‘rough period’.  This can last from one day to….who knows.

So what do most people do when their partner is struggling? They get right down in there in the ditch with them!  One client said,

“I feel so bad when he is hurting and I know he feels better if I’m right there with him”.
So she feels obligated.  She feels that it is her responsibility to adjust her happiness based on his mood. (see boundaries 1 & 2)

How does that help?

Are two people in the ditch better off than one?  Is it easier to push someone up when you are down there with them?  My experience as been NO. My experience has taught me that it just creates more unhappiness.  And trying to push your partner up can lead to even more resentment on their part.

So what should you do?

My recommendation is to sit on the edge of the ditch, but keep yourself on stable ground.  This way you can be there to listen.  You can even be there to offer a hand up (if asked for).  But you don’t ever get in the ditch with him/her!

If you can keep your mood and thoughts stable, you will be in a better position to help.  But more importantly, you will be in a better position!  Sometimes a partner will try to pull you down into the ditch with them.  Misery loves company according to some (I never agreed with that).  But your job is to be responsible for your feelings.  A client recently asked me,

“How can I be happy when she is miserable all the time?”

By staying out of the ditch!  Here are some ways that might look:

• When your partner is angry and raising their voice, don’t engage with them.  Wait until they can calm down to talk.
• When your partner is hurting, don’t feel bad.  Feel compassion instead (sitting on the edge and listening).

You can be more effective when you stay on firm ground.  And you will feel so much better.  What are some ways you have found yourself going down into the ditch with someone else

In my last post, I talked about the need to take responsibility for our own ‘stuff’ and to get clear on what is my stuff and what is your stuff (emotional stuff).  Today, I want to look at how others may try to violate your boundaries by trying to get you to do something you don’t want to do.  Or how you do the same to others.

Me?  No way!  I don’t try to manipulate others!  You may not realize it, but lets look at how you do.

Here’s an example.  I’ll call her Patty.  Patty’s boyfriend told her that he was going to take her on a trip to a warm climate for her birthday.  He suggested a few places and told her to pick.  Patty was concerned that he might not keep his word because he had let her down before.  Patty had a few days off work and some free time so she researched some online travel deals and found a great one to the destination she most wanted to go.  She gave the information to her boyfriend and expected he would make the reservations.  When he did not follow through after a couple of weeks, she was naturally disappointed.   She came up with several ideas to “make him” keep his word.

So what’s the problem?

First, she cannot make him do anything.

Second, if her plan works, he will ultimately resent her manipulation.

But doesn’t she have a right to receive the gift she was promised?  The answer may surprise you.

No.  She is not entitled to the gift.

She is entitled to feel any way she does about it.  She is entitled to express how she feels.  She is even entitled to leave the relationship if she chooses.  But it is his choice to decide how he is going to act.  Even if he promised.

Now I’m not saying his behavior is admirable.  It actually sucks.  But I am saying that his behavior is HIS.  And when she tries to get him to act differently, she is in HIS business.  And that means poor boundaries.  Healthy boundaries mean I stay in my business.  So what I’m really saying here, is that most of the time when we are trying to get a person to behave differently than they choose to, we are being manipulative.

Can you think of some ways you have been manipulative?  Is there another way you could have handled the situation?