John,
These are complex issues to navigate in your marriage. You state, “I need it to change for me to stay with her”. That is your boundary. Whether she choses to change is her decision and out of your control. I would suggest that you focus on how you communicate this to her (with love) and keeping your focus on your thoughts and feelings and facing the possible changes that may occur as a result of this boundary. If you communicate this and she does not change and you DO stay with her, then your boundary was not solid. I think some coaching would be very helpful for you at this time!
Ellen

I’ve been reading through bits of your blog and website this morning and want to thank you for all the thoughtful advice and resources that you have posted.

I have been thinking about the need to focus more on improving myself, and accepting/embracing my wife for who she is, but it has been very hard.

I recently discovered that she had a brief fling with an ex-boyfriend. After confronting her she has been open, remorseful, transparent, and seemingly honest about feeling ashamed. We are communicating very well, but I am consumed by what she did. Also, she has a drinking problem that is becoming worse.

Your advice to take care of my own needs first sounds logical, but I can’t stop thinking about what she needs to do to change, to show me her focus and commitment to me and our family. She can be wonderful, but she can also be obsessive and undisciplined. I can’t embrace this part of her, and I need it to change for me to stay with her. Do you have any resources or tools you can point me to to work through this?

Thank you again for the very helpful blog posts.