Photo by Victor Dueñas Teixeira on Unsplash

Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it and letting it run it’s course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it.  It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it.

I see letting go in several contexts.  They are all ultimately related, of course.

Today I’m going to discuss letting go of the past and next time I’m going to write about letting go of control.

Most of us struggle with letting go of some part of our past.

It could be a bad memory.

It could be a trauma response in our body from the past.

It could be a pattern of behavior we learned long ago.

From the time we are very young, we begin to form beliefs about ourselves, others and the world.  Most of  these come from external inputs from our parents, caretakers, teachers, peers and events we experience.  When any of these inputs are coupled with trauma, it leaves an even stronger impression.  These impressions are in the form of thoughts (or beliefs) and feelings.

For example, when a child is exposed to abuse, violence, war, neglect, a parent’s addiction, illness, etc., the child experiences strong feelings such as fear.  The child will then form thoughts and beliefs from these experiences such as (this is only one of many possibilities):

when my mom is drinking, raging, beating my brother, etc., I must remain very quiet and invisible so I will be safe (or she won’t be mad at me).  I’ll be a good girl.

This child may grow up to be hyper focused on other’s feelings to learn how to stay safe and in the process learn how to neglect her own feelings.  She may learn to focus more on achievement and less on her own needs.

Let’s suppose that at some point as an adult, she realizes that these beliefs are causing her suffering.  For example, maybe in her marriage she over-functions often and then gets angry at her partner for not taking care of her more.  She realizes that she is constantly fueled by guilt to do more for others and less for herself.  She realizes that this is a pattern that came from her childhood and her relationship with her mother.

How does she “let go” of her past to break this pattern?

I approach letting go of the past as a 4-step process.

The first step is to become aware that what is happening int he present is triggering old thoughts/beliefs and feelings (see elevator).

The skill necessary to do this is to access our Observing Self.  Our OS is the part of our awareness that can notice or witness our thoughts and feelings.  You can practice this skill to make it stronger by noticing thoughts throughout the day….

I just noticed that I had a really angry thought

The more you practice observing your thoughts and feelings, the easier it will be to catch yourself and notice when you are experiencing thoughts and feelings from the past.

Once you are aware that you are being hijacked by old triggers, the second step is to make a decision in that moment that you will NOT REACT from this state of mind.

This step is simple, but not always easy.  It can be challenging because the brain likes predictability and patterns.  You have a pattern of responding to the trigger in a certain way.

In our example, Fran experiences a triggering anxiety when she senses her partner, family member or friend is unhappy.  Her patterned response is to immediately get involved and become very attuned  to the other person’s needs and disconnect from her own needs.  In following the first two steps for letting go of the past, Fran would shift into her Observing Self and notice her thoughts and feelings.  Then she would make a decision:

I am not going to rush in and try to fix

Instead, Fran needs to practice step number three.

The third step is to become mindful of the present moment.  This is a crucial step to let go of the past .  Fran needs to center herself in this moment. Our five senses are a great way to ground into the present.  Focus your eyes on something right there or notice how your body feels as it touches your chair or clothing.  Focusing on these sensations or sight brings you into the moment.  You can’t let go of the past if you are experiencing thoughts and feelings from the past. Getting focused in the present allows you to separate from old thoughts and feelings from the past and therefore gives you that space to let it go.

The fourth step is to actually let it go.

It can be helpful to use a visual cue.  Her are 3 options I’ve used with success:

1. Visualize your reaction moving through something like a door or screen or window.  See the screen, for example, as having big spaces and that the energy of your pain/fear/anger/worry can move right through those holes and OUT.
2. Visualize your reaction as water and see it going down the drain as you let go.  Just washed away.
3. Visualize your reaction as energy moving down through your body and out through the bottoms of your feet and into the earth as you exhale and say “letting go”.

This has to become an intentional practice and be repeated over and over. Don’t try it once and then decide that it didn’t work.  Patterns that are created by strong emotions or experiences don’t just disappear instantly.  Think about how long you have had this pattern of reaction. Letting go is a process.  You have to repeat the letting go over and over until it becomes neutral.  You have to clear out all of the old energy that has been stored there.

If you’d like some additional support with letting go of the past, contact me to set up a coaching consultation.

The post WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LET GO? first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

But once you learn how to do this, then you can learn how to “let it go”.

What does that mean?

It means that we make a conscious decision to override the mind.  Our mind will tell us why we need to “fix it”.  This usually involves getting another person to change.  Our mind clings to this because we know we are right!

But herein lies the problem!  It doesn’t really matter how right we are.  If I need someone else to change (stop pushing my buttons) so that I can feel better, or find peace, then I am going to suffer.

Because I can’t control other people.  Even if I’m quite skilled at getting other people to do or say things, I am always going to run into a problem if other people’s behavior impacts me strongly.

So I have to look to the one and only area where I do have any control and that is inside of me.

Here’s a recent example.  I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that someone I care about had an overreaction to something I said.  This person verbally attacked me in a very strong way.

I was shocked and hurt.  I noticed that my mind obsessed on it for days and days.  I wanted this other person to acknowledge how wrong they were. That never happened.  I wanted to forgive them, but I couldn’t understand how I could forgive someone when they did not apologize.

And then I listened to Michael Singer’s audio course on The Untethered Soul and there it was.

THE CAUSE OF ALL SUFFERING IS MIND

Our mind is focused on how to get what we want and how to avoid getting what we don’t want.  Our job is to release it, let go.  We must learn to let go of the demands of our mind and be the observer or witness.  Because we are NOT our ego mind.  We are the consciousness that can observe it. The better we get at observing and not being driven by the demands of our mind, the less it will demand!

Our mind will actually quiet down and stop driving us crazy, the more we observe it and not obey it.  Doesn’t that sound more peaceful?

So, I’ve been practicing letting go of every thought I have about this person or the interaction we had. It did not happen instantly, but I am now feeling so much more peaceful.

A friend asked me, “doesn’t that mean that they got away with it if you just let it go?”

I don’t see it that way at all.  I guess it depends on what you mean by got away with it.  I mean it did happen.  So does that mean s/he got away with it?  I think that the term refers to the idea that there was no consequence to the other person.  But is that true?  Is that my business?  If the tables were turned, I don’t think I would walk away believing I got away with something.

As long as I need the other person to do something (apologize, admit they were wrong, etc), I am not free and I will suffer.

But if I decide to let it go, I can be free of suffering.

I’d like to add one clarification here.  If this person consistently treated me poorly, I would probably decide to limit my connection to them.  But this was an isolated incident.

To summarize, here is my definition of letting it go:

I make a decision to stop thinking about it.

My mind will make many more attempts to get me to analyze it, obsess over it, talk to others about and debate whether I had done something wrong. And each time, I say no thank you.  I’m choosing to let it go for my benefit.

What do you need to let go of?

The post Another Option for the Elevator: Letting Go first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

What are the things that affect our motivation, whether it’s a fitness goal or weight loss goal, or finding love? Or about any purpose in our life. I often wonder what makes people motivated and what makes people suddenly lose their motivation.

The better the motivation and desire a person has, the better the results.

Nothing will work unless you do

Part of my job is to motivate people. And I have noticed that if a person lacks motivation, it doesn’t matter how great a program I make or how much I tell them not to skip the workouts. The truth is, if you hire the best personal trainer or life coach in the world: if you lack motivation, no one but you can change it. Of course, I can inspire, encourage and MOTIVATE, but the motivation to do things always starts with you. No one else can create it for you.

Let’s think about motivation from a slightly different perspective. What things affect our motivation? It always starts with our motives. For example, our motives include our reasons for doing something, such as needs, desires, rewards, and punishments. Motivation is a state created by motives. Motivation determines how vigorously we act and where our interest is directed. Fascinating right?

So, what can we conclude from this? For example, suppose a goal is not important or exciting enough. In that case, it also lowers our motivation, which in turn often reduces the level we perform.

Shifting the mindset

I had a coaching call with one of my clients, and she was upset. She told me that she doesn’t understand how other people have so much time to exercise and eat healthy. She thinks that it takes too much effort. And she just doesn’t see the results and the point. I began to wonder what she really meant by that, as she has been training regularly for months. I thought we were progressing. But then, I realized that motivation decreases and adds stress if doing things doesn’t seem meaningful and pleasurable. So, we added activities to her exercise program that brought her more joy. We also tried to get used to the new mindset: workout time should be your own precious time – not time away from your busy schedule.

If you feel that your motivation is declining, you should look at things from many perspectives. First, think about what things are essential to you. Can you change small things and routines? Even take out a piece of paper, write down the important things to you, and then think about whether your performance currently supports your goals. We often blame others for our failures, but in the end, if we really understand our behavior, we are often responsible for our success.

Also, remember that every day is a new opportunity to succeed and be motivated. It is not worth clinging too much to the past. Every day is a unique opportunity to change things, perspectives, relationships and habits. Pretty liberating or what?

We can do this !

X Teija

The post Guest Post on Improving Motivation (by my personal trainer Teija) first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

I ended the post with this thought:

I am always responsible for all of my feelings and my behavior

Today I want to address how to manage the elevator syndrome so that you don’t keep dumping these strong emotions on those you love (and strangers).

First, you have to accept that in this present moment you are flooded with strong emotion. Don’t try to send these difficult or uncomfortable feeling back down into storage. A good thought to start practicing might be:

I can handle these feelings. They can’t kill me.

Next, you have to allow the feelings. This basically means that you practice this adult skill called processing a feeling.

You can go here for a free download of the worksheet that goes over the 5 basic steps:

• PAUSE
• CONNECT
• NOTICE
• STAY
• TRANSFORM

There will be times when the elevator door opens and you can’t just stop what you’re doing and go inside and stay with the sensation in your body. That’s why you need to practice it as often as you can when you do catch yourself in a place where it’s safe to do it. If you’re with your partner, just say something like,

I’m really trying to do better with not overreacting so I need to take a break, or

I’m a bit overwhelmed right now and I don’t want to take it out on you so I need to step away and walk myself through a calming exercise.

I think they will be pleased that you’re not just reacting from impulse or habit. The more you practice this, the more natural it will become. What you’re really doing is shifting from the habit of avoiding difficult feelings, to an emotional adult who deals with their feelings.

Sometimes these emotions will feel awful, but what is the price you pay for not feeling it?

• You will use compulsive behaviors to keep pushing it down. Overeating, over-drinking, overspending, overworking, mindless scrolling; the list is endless
• You stay in your head and overanalyze the situation and create more drama and anxiety
• Focusing outside of yourself. You put your attention on the other person, you blame, you judge, you justify. This is just a form of self-abandonment.
• You try to control other and situations so you don’t have to feel what you don’t want to feel (disappointment, loneliness, hurt, sadness…)
• You learn to just walk around numb (I call it half-dead)

The second tool I want to share with you will help you learn to calm down the intensity and operate from a place of mindfulness. It is a meditation adapted from Marsha Lucas, PhD’s book: Rewire Your Brain for Love. She talks about the idea of learning to regulate your body to deal with fear.

Dr. Lucas recommends mindfulness practices that address our neuropsychology in several different ways.

The first is to deliver GABA to the amygdala. GABA is a soothing and inhibitory neurotransmitter that provides an override switch, which turns off the alarm button of the amygdala.

The next is to increase production of oxytocin (another neurotransmitter). This happens when you feel calm and safe in the presence of another-or, if you think about someone with whom you feel safe. It increases when you’re hugging, which can also happen when you press snugly against your chest and belly.

Thirdly, is activating the parasympathetic nervous system. This branch of your nervous system is like the brake pedal, and brings about a state of relaxation and clearer insight.

The following practices send messages through the vagus nerve that everything is okay and you’re out of danger:

• breathing more slowly
• relaxing your tongue
• opening your mouth slightly
• imagining heat in your hands

Let’s put all of these mindfulness practices together in a guided meditation that you can practice anytime you feel that elevator opening.

SEND ME THE MEDITATION

It’s really important to practice this meditation regularly in order to train your brain how to calm down and relax.  I know that you may not be able to immediately pull out your phone and listen to the audio right in the middle of being triggered by your partner or other person/circumstance.  But the more you practice it regularly, the easier it will be to remember what to do.  And if it is your partner or someone close to you, it’s always okay to say, I need to take a moment to be able to think clearly and respond well.   So be sure to record it on your phone too.

Click the comment button at the top and tell me what you think or how it worked for you.

The post What To Do When The Elevator Opens first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

Have you ever had the thought if only this other person would stop doing or saying ***, then I wouldn’t get upset (and take it out on them)?

I know I have.

It’s kinda like blaming another person for my behavior, right?

Let’s take a closer look and see how we can navigate this whole thing better by using the concept of an elevator.

We have to start with how and why feelings and emotions get put into “storage”, instead of being processed when they first arise.

One common way this happens is called avoidance. I think we’re all familiar with that one!

Avoidance actually occurs one of two ways.

In the first method, we decide not to deal with something right now because

• we’re busy with a project, work, kids, etc.
• we don’t want to deal with it because it’s uncomfortable
• the timing isn’t right (I’m in a meeting at work when a wave of grief shows up…)

We can put it into “temporary storage”, like in the grief example above. I can decide that a good way to take care of myself is to wait until I get home and have some down time and go into my bedroom where I have privacy and then allow my feelings of grief to surface so I can let them move through me and return to balance.

But often, we put them into “long-term storage” because we don’t want to deal with uncomfortable feelings. This is a very common defense mechanism. We defend against feeling something that we believe will be unpleasant or downright awful.

This is sometimes referred to pushing down our feelings. As a result, I’ve come to think of it as a basement where I ‘push down’ what I want to avoid.

With the second method, it’s a bit more automatic and less intentional. Basically, it’s our unconscious mind that choses avoidance as a defense mechanism. Usually, this starts when we are very young and truly can’t handle big, emotional scary things like witnessing violence (that includes verbal violence), being abused (physically, sexually or mentally), extreme loss and other traumas.

Our brain takes good care of us by ‘pushing away’ what we cannot tolerate. But then we grow up. We become emotionally stronger (unless you spent all of your adolescence using drugs and avoiding growing up…but that’s another story for a different day). But because we learned this way of dealing with difficult feelings, we just keep on using it. So, we avoid feeling tough stuff and just keep pushing it into the basement. It becomes automatic.

So, we end up with a ‘basement’ full of feelings that we don’t want to or could not deal with.

Here’s where the elevator comes in.

In the present moment, other people are going to do and say things that annoy us, really piss us off and hurt us. That’s just natural. Because we don’t have control of what others do and say. But here’s the thing, what might just be a minor transgression, becomes a full-blown shit storm sometimes because when it happens to be a button that got pushed that calls up the elevator from the basement, that elevator car is going to be filled with old, painful or difficult feelings that are overwhelming.

Here’s an example that might better illustrate:

In my ‘basement’ are feelings related to a strong desire to help my mother be happier and less upset. This comes from being a little girl who had a mother who was depressed, anxious, and often angry at her husband because neither of them was very good at communicating with each other. And every little girl feels better when her mother is happy, because that’s when mom is available to play or pay attention. So, I focused on trying to be really good at fixing her problems (when I wasn’t busy creating them). As I got older, the harder I tried to fix, the more she rejected my attempts. As a matter of fact, the more I suggested healthy coping mechanisms, instead of giving her pity or attention or validation, the more upset she got with me.

As a result, I felt helpless, unappreciated and frustrated. Now, imagine that I made many deposits over the years into that storage area in my basement.

Fast forward to today when my husband or son or step-daughter doesn’t want me to ‘fix’ them, despite by best intentions. Let’s just say that my husband gets frustrated with my repeated attempts to encourage him to exercise and shuts me down or tells me to leave him alone.

That is him pushing the button on my elevator. It goes immediately down to the basement, fills up with my stored anger and disappointment, and opens up on the first floor and DUMPS the entire load on him!

Not cool. Because it is MY responsibility to manage what’s in my basement. Even if he’s being a jerk about it (which, of course, he would never do ), it’s still always my responsibility to manage my emotions.

My goal here today is to get you to see why it sometimes feels like the other person should just change their behavior. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could always make that happen? But you know the rule: I am always responsible for my feelings and my behavior.

Next week, I’ve got two tools for you to help you deal with this.

The post STOP PUSHING MY BUTTONS! first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

                                                                                                            What does it mean to be magnetic to love?

I think it means that there is something inside of you that is a perfect match to everything outside of you that IS LOVE.

Examples of loving forces outside of you:

• people who are loving
• animals who are loving
• beauty in art, nature

​​​​​​​We become a match to anything we desire by becoming more of it inside of ourselves.

How do you become more loving?

You focus more on love.  Each of us is filled with an incredible capacity to love.  What gets in the way is when we get stuck in anger jealousy, resentment, judgement, obsessions, etc.

You are human, so you’re going to experience those negative emotions.  But if you want to be magnetic to love, if you want to attract more love into your life, you have to realize the POWER you have to shift to the “state of love”.

Here’s how.

First, recognize that you have the ability to choose what thoughts you focus on.  I like to say that we get to choose what we think, but that might not be entirely true.  Our brains are going to create crappy thoughts based on old neural pathways and default patterns.  But we do get to choose which thoughts we allow ourselves to focus on.  We get to choose which thoughts we want to practice and make stronger.

So if you want more of something in your life (who doesn’t want more love?), create and focus on more loving thoughts.  This takes deliberate action and attention.  If you let your mind do it’s own thing, you end up with more of what you worry about!

To create a “state of love”, simply direct your mind to focus on everything and anything you love! It really does start there.

You notice yourself focused on your hips or thighs or some imperfection on your body.  Shift to what you love about your body.  I can’t believe how strong my legs are!  I really do have beautiful eyes!  My hair looked great last night!  My fingers look so pretty when I have that pink polish on!

You notice yourself thinking about that family member that drives you crazy.  Shift to all the people you are related to that are so amazing that you just adore.  I’m so glad my siblings and I are so close!  I love my cousin; she’s so supportive and giving.  I love my aunt who has never once forgotten my birthday.  I love my nieces; being around them is so fun!  If you don’t have any family to feel good about, then focus on others in your life.

Another way to strengthen your “state of love” is to set aside time (I do this almost every morning) to just create this state inside of you.  I highly recommend this because the more you practice creating this state inside of you, the more natural it becomes and then you simply have to access this feeling state inside of you.

You will find  what works for you.  All you have to do is start by closing your eyes and centering yourself.  Focus on your breath to help settle your mind.  Then just call up thoughts, memories or visuals of things you love or that make you feel love.  I used to remember holding my son when he was a baby and I was in the rocking chair in his room and he would bury his head in my neck and Kenny Loggins was singing Return to Pooh Corner in the background.  Bringing in all of your 5 senses makes it more powerful for your brain.  I’ve even thought about an old Pepsi commercial when I was young where sweet puppies were loving all over this cute little boy (the 30 second mark brings a smile to my face every time)

Once you’ve found your loving thought or vision, stay there, bring in all of your senses and then exaggerate the feeling state.  Now just stay there and delight in feeling the love and joy in your heart for a few minutes.

The more you practice being in this “state of love”, the more it will feel natural and the easier it will be to access it.

Try to practice it all day long.

You will become more magnetic to attracting love into your life.

The next step is to practice self love. That will be my next topic!

The post ARE YOU MAGNETIC TO LOVE? first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

Lessons learned

Looking toward the future

Funny, sarcastic comments (see one of my favorite Facebook posts at the bottom)

But none of that felt right.

I still think about my mantra that I developed around March/April:  Do my best and surrender the rest.

So my message at the end of 2020 is basically a summary of my philosophy of life and what I try to incorporate in my coaching.  To accept what is.  Surrender to what is outside of our control to change.  Be with what is.

That does not mean that we accept another person’s bad behavior.  It means that we accept that people behave badly.  That may sound confusing.  Let’s look at an example.

I won’t accept your racist behavior.  I’m not going to dine out with you anymore because I don’t like it.

I accept that you have your beliefs and that I can’t change them (I’m assuming in my example that I’ve already tried).

So the acceptance in me creates non-resistance.  And resistance is the cause of all suffering.

Which shows up so clearly in the Model because  THOUGHTS create FEELINGS.  So thoughts that fight against what is, create more suffering feelings.

So what does this have to do with 2020?

LET IT BE is my way of saying that every event and circumstance of this past year has already happened.  There are so many examples of these events that created loss and pain (did I tell you that my son’s house in Boston where he is a college senior caught on fire on Monday and that he and his roommates have no where to live the rest of their senior year?!). But how does it serve us to keep talking about it, to keep focusing on how crappy it was (except for fun), or to keep railing against it (think politics)?

It doesn’t serve us.

What does serve us is to:

Let it in

Let it be

Let it go

Let it in:  Feel it!  Are you scared about COVID?  It’s okay to feel scared.  Are you sad about someone you’ve lost?  Do not resist your feelings.

Let it be:  Once you’ve allowed the feelings and let them in, now just sit with it and let it be.  Feel it in your body.  All feelings exist as vibrations in our body.  Allow these sensations. If you sit with them and don’t resist and run away, the feelings will move through you and dissipate.  There is no thinking involved in this step.  Just feeling.

Let it go:  Once you’ve fully allowed the feelings to exist, you make a decision to let it go.  This part involves letting go of any painful thoughts associated it.  You may need a better thought to replace it.  For example, if we’re talking about fear about contracting COVID, once you process the fear in your body, you need a thought to focus on so you can let go of the fearful thought (I could die).  A better thought could be:  I can control many of the ways I can keep myself safe.

One of the other benefits of let it be is that when we allow ourselves to deal with what is present right now, we don’t have leftover feelings that need to get pushed down into storage.  Because what goes into storage will always come back, right?  So why not just be with it now.

Just let it be.

Have a healthy and beautiful 2021.

P.S. Here’s the funny Facebook post I saw about 2020:

The post Let It Be first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

The Coach’s Circle Podcast is presented by Life Coach Path, an online blog and resource meant to educate and inform aspiring coaches on how to best navigate the early stage of their careers. Their blog features valuable information on coaching strategies, the evolution of coaching, and finding a coach training program that’s right for you. You can check out their latest blog post here.

The post Podcast about becoming a Life Coach first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

ergin akyurt @unsplash

Last time I wrote about overcoming your fear of pain.

Today I want to clarify healthy pain versus unhealthy pain.

Healthy pain, or what I like to call clean pain is the pain associated with being a human being.  Mostly this pain comes from loss.  All of us will experience loss in our lives.  Examples of this include:

My dog died

My best friend moved across the country

My partner went overseas to serve our country

My college went virtual and campus dorms were closed

I was let go from my job

The guy I was dating stopped calling me

My spouse left me for someone else

There are as many examples as there are people because it is a normal and expected part of being alive.  We are strong enough to survive these losses but it hurts like hell.  The only healthy response is to surrender to these feelings and allow them to move through you.

I’ve talked to you before about what happens when we don’t allow this movement of energy:

• we buffer our pain with food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, Netflix, web surfing, and other compulsive behaviors
• we develop physical symptoms such as stomach issues, headaches, back pain, etc while the stored pain “eats our guts out”
• we obsessively think about and analyze “the problem”

And worst of all, we abandon ourselves.  Instead of staying present with what is happening in our lives and feeling it fully, we leave.

I want to encourage you to feel your clean pain.

So what is dirty pain?

Dirty pain is all of the pain caused by your thoughts.

Let’s look at the examples that can cause clean pain and see where dirty pain can come in:

Can you see how all of the thoughts in the third column complicate your pain?

Sometimes a clients will tell me,

I just can’t help thinking that

But the truth is that we can teach our mind to stop attaching to those thoughts.  The negative thoughts that we have been practicing for years can take some time to stop showing up, but the first step is that we recognize their “stickiness” and consciously stop attaching to them.

But how?

Tune in next time.  I’m writing about How to Not Attach to Sticky Thoughts.

If you have any suggestions on how to do this or what has worked for you, please click comment near the title and share so others can benefit.

The post Clean Pain versus Dirty Pain first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.

Wow.

I read her previous two books so I knew this would be amazing because her writing is honest and raw.

A theme from all of her books is about learning how to stop avoiding pain, learning how to feel pain and all of our feelings, so we can be the fullest versions of ourselves.

Sound familiar?  See The Ring of Fire, Discomfort, How to Embrace Discomfort.

I want to share a few excerpts from her newest book to help you shift some thinking. Buy this book and read it (I don’t get commission, just wanted to recommend it)!

” You’re not doing life wrong; you’re doing it right. If there’s any secret you’re missing, it’s that doing it right is just really hard. Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you’re doing it right, and that doing it right hurts sometimes.

I did not know, before that woman told me, that all feelings were for feeling. I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy. I thought that happy was for feeling and that pain was for fixing and numbing and deflecting and hiding and ignoring. I thought that when life got hard, it was because I had gone wrong somewhere. I thought that pain was weakness and that I was supposed to suck it up. But the thing was that the more I sucked it up, the more food and booze I had to suck down.

From that day forward, I began to practice feeling it all. I began to insist upon my right and responsibility to feel it all, even when taking the time and energy for feeling made me a little less efficient, a little less convenient, a little less pleasant.

What I thought would kill me, didn’t. Every time I said to myself: I can’t take this anymore—I was wrong. The truth was that I could and did take it all—and I kept surviving. Surviving again and again made me less afraid of myself, of other people, of life. I learned that I’d never be free from pain but I could be free from the fear of pain, (bold added by Ellen) and that was enough. I finally stopped avoiding fires long enough to let myself burn, and what I learned was that I am like that burning bush: The fire of pain won’t consume me. I can burn and burn and live. I can live on fire. I am fireproof.

I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution. Whether I like it or not, pain is the fuel of revolution. Everything I need to become the woman I’m meant to be next is inside my feelings of now. Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me to gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming.

Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. That is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process. Having such little faith in myself that I numb or hide or consume my way out of my fiery feelings again and again. So my goal is to stop abandoning myself—and stay. To trust that I’m strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to the process of becoming. Because what scares me a hell of a lot more than pain is living my entire life and missing my becoming. What scares me more than feeling it all is missing it all.”

Here’s another excerpt if you’d like to read more.

The reason I’m sharing her words with you today is that I want to encourage you to be brave.  The only reason we don’t move forward with anything in our lives that we truly desire is fear.  And what we fear is how it will make us feel.

• We’re afraid to risk loving  because we fear feeling hurt, rejected or heartbroken.
• We’re afraid to move forward on a project or business because we’re afraid we’ll feel like a failure or that we’ll feel uncertain if we don’t know “how’.
• We’re afraid to lose money because of the fear of feeling financially insecure or inadequate.

But what if we stopped being afraid of pain or negative feelings?

What if we could believe that we are strong?

What if we could believe that we can do hard things?

What would be different about your life if you could do that?

Who/what would you become?

The post Who Would You Be If You Weren’t Afraid of Pain? first appeared on TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE.