HOW AND WHY WE SELF-ABANDON

First, let me define what I mean by self-abandon.  I use this term to describe all of the ways we avoid dealing with uncomfortable or painful feelings.  In this context, think of your ‘self’ as the part of you that feels these emotions.

This part of you needs something.

All emotions exist to communicate something valuable to us.  If you engage in self-abandonment (we all do at least sometimes), you are abandoning this part of yourself. One way to conceptualize this is to imagine a small child who is upset and the adult just turns their back.

WHY WE SELF-ABANDON

The reasons that we self-abandon are pretty easy.  We don’t want to feel pain.  But I contend that the ways we avoid it lead to bigger problems.  Here are the four main ways we do this:

1. Using substances, addictions and compulsive behaviors. You feel stressed, disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, rejected…. so you have a glass of wine (or several), eat carbs mindlessly, go out shopping and spend money you don’t have. You know exactly what I’m talking about.
2. You analyze.  Why did he say that?  Why did she leave?  Why is he emotionally unavailable?  How do her childhood scars lead her to act this way?  The list is endless.  And while it is sometimes helpful to understand the actions and motivations of others, this keeps us in our heads and out of our bodies.  Our emotions are experienced in our bodies.  The only way to stay present is to be in your body.
3. Making others and yourself wrong.  Blaming others or even blaming yourself is just another way to keep your energy focused away from being with what is happening with you right now.
4. Trying to get others to make you feel better.  This usually involves some sort of controlling behavior.  Getting someone to apologize, admit they were wrong, or change in any way to make you feel better.

THE HEALTHY RESPONSE

The best way to deal with uncomfortable or painful feelings is to feel them. Right here and now in this moment.  Because even when you are able to feel better using the above strategies, it’s only temporary.  Maybe the other person will decide not to leave, or to treat you more kindly, etc, but that still doesn’t give you the ability to deal with whatever emotions are present in your life.

The way to truly be empowered in your life is to learn how to deal with any emotional discomfort that arises by actually being present with it and letting the energy of the feeling run it’s course.  It actually moves through pretty quickly, once you move into a place of acceptance and allowing.

So the opposite of self-abandonment is acceptance and allowing

I’ve put together a Wisdom Guide: Allowing just for you that includes quotes from my favorite teachers and masters.  Read it to:

• learn to surrender with self-compassion
• decrease mood swings and physical ailments
• achieve a state of freedom

Send Me The Guide!

THE OPPOSITE OF SELF-ABANDONING

Now, let’s walk through exactly how to allow your feelings and stay present with yourself instead of running away.

The first step is to shift your attention into your body.  Yep.  Feelings are actually vibrations in your body.  We are often so used to staying in our heads and thinking that we forget to notice what’s going on physically in our bodies.

So just get still and close your eyes and do a slow body scan.  You can start at the top of your head or the bottom of your feet and just shift your attention from one area to the next.  All you have to do is notice.  You don’t have to change anything or relax anything. Just notice.

Get descriptive.  What do you notice?  What are the sensations? Tingling?  Tightness? Heat? Heaviness? Does it have a color, a shape, a sound? Sometimes I feel like electricity is cursing through my body and sometimes I feel like there’s a big black rock sitting on my chest.

Once you have scanned the entire body, go back to the area of greatest sensation and STAY.  This will be the hardest part.  You probably default away from feeling it.  That’s the abandonment!  This is your chance to overturn that pattern.  That physical discomfort in your body is a feeling and it is talking to you.

Your mind will get active and tell you to do something to make it less uncomfortable.  You must ignore your thoughts and bring your focus back to your body.  Every time you notice yourself thinking a thought, come back to the body with your attention.  The only thought is stay.

You will probably become aware of the feeling.  If not, don’t worry.

The next thing that will happen is it will probably begin to change or morph. Sometimes the solid black rock in my chest will lighten and become more grey and then even soften or liquify.  Recently the waves of electricity turned into waves of water and calmed down.

Soon you will realize that the feeling has played itself out.  And you did not abandon yourself!  Keep on practicing this.  It is truly a form of self love.

And I should warn you that it will feel AWFUL!!  But that’s okay.  You can do hard things. You are strong!

For a deeper dive into allowing painful or difficult feelings, read my free guide:  Wisdom from 4 of my favorite teachers on Allowing.

 

Send Me The Guide!