One of my favorite tools for dealing with difficult people is Shedding Dogs. This just may be one of the most widely used tools in my toolbox.
It’s based on a very simple statement:
When you get a dog that sheds, don’t waste your energy being upset about the hair on the carpet.
Most people are able to accept this thinking, right?
Why do you think it’s pretty easy to accept? I mean, no one really likes vacuuming the carpet constantly. Or finding dog hair in just about everything. So what do we tell ourselves about dog shedding that makes it pretty easy to not get upset?
That’s just what they do.
Yep. We just accept that the dog is going to shed. We can’t stop it. And the dog can’t help it. So we don’t get mad at the dog for shedding.
What if we could apply this thinking to people who drive us crazy?
Is there someone you work with or work for who continually does something so annoying but you can’t make it stop? What if you told yourself,
He or she is shedding. That’s just who they are. They can’t help it.
I find it very helpful to tell myself they can’t help it. Even if I think they should be able to. Because the truth is that I can’t make them stop. So it’s just easier to tell myself that they can’t do better.
Do you have a spouse or partner who does something really annoying? You’ve probably asked them to stop. Which feels better to you?
Being aggravated, annoyed, frustrated and/or agitated about it?
Or just accepting that they are going to keep doing it because they’re not going to stop. You just tell yourself,
He or she is shedding. That’s just what they do. They can’t help it.
Now, I’m not referring to deal breaker behaviors. You can decide that infidelity or substance abuse, or abusive behavior towards you or your family are unacceptable. You can decide that anything is unacceptable. You get to decide that. But then if they can’t or won’t change, you have to leave.
I’m talking more about things that are annoying with partners or worse with people you “have to” deal with.
Here are 3 different examples that range from annoying to really difficult.
- My husband sometimes doesn’t listen well. I know that’s pretty shocking ;-). Sometimes I get really aggravated when I have to repeat myself, or his lack of listening results in something not turning out correctly (dinner is ruined, we are lost, etc). I just remind myself that there’s a lot of hair on the carpet today.
- My client’s boss will sometimes go on and on about a very boring topic when she is trying to get her work done and he does not seem to hear her when she says she has to get back to work. He keeps bringing up more nonsense. She literally pictures the hair on the carpet and the furniture until he stops and she can go back to her office.
- Another client had an ex-wife who said horrible things to him constantly. She was uncooperative and difficult most of the time. Once he realized that there was absolutely nothing he could do to get her to change her behavior, he would just picture her as a mean dog breed and remind himself that it was ridiculous of him to think that she would stop shedding. He started preparing himself for her behavior because “that’s just want she does”. It didn’t make her behavior feel better, but he stopped getting so worked about it.
So, next time you’re feeling frustrated about someone else’s behavior that you can’t control, just pretend that they are like a dog and the hair is going to get on the carpet, so why be upset about vacuuming.
Who is your life sheds the most?
