From the post Your Love Radar,
It is the mechanism that tunes you into another person’s frequency and creates attraction
As I mentioned, if your Love Radar is tuned to “Mr/Mrs Wrong”, then if Mr/Mrs Right For You is five feet away, you won’t even notice him (I’ll use single gender for ease, but it’s all about the message on this bathroom door I saw in Vermont recently):
The reason is that the coding signal sent out to detect the “object” is programmed by you, so if your unconscious programming is set to
I am not good enough
Men don’t listen to me or treat me with respect
Then you will attract and detect men who will behave in ways that reinforce the belief that you are not good enough and that men don’t listen to you or treat you with respect.
This follows the basic coaching model I use *
Pay attention to the Thoughts/Feelings/Actions part. Notice how your thoughts, or deeply held beliefs (conscious and unconscious), create your Feelings. Feelings are energy in your body that drive your Actions. And our Actions drive our results.
So if T = I’m not good enough and men don’t treat me well, that will influence how I feel. I’m going to feel completely differently than if T = I am awesome and lovable and I love being around men because they pay so much attention to me, right?
Right.
So given our example Thought, how might you Feel? Maybe sad, discouraged, inadequate, unwanted….?
And what type of Actions would those Feelings drive? Especially around men? Maybe withdraw or hiding, or insecure behaviors…? Probably not your best, most genuine self.
And what type of Results would those Actions create? Probably not the kind of responses from men that you desire.
The next arrow shows us how the Results (lack of good relationships) reinforce the original painful Thought. So then the cycle deepens. And repeats over and over again.
So hopefully you can see how the old Thoughts
I am not good enough, and
Men don’t listen to me or treat me with respect
actually program your Love Radar to choose the wrong men and attract the wrong men.
It’s two-way programming.
So how do you reset your Love Radar and why haven’t I mentioned the Circumstances part?
I’m so glad you asked.
You see, Circumstances are all the things that happen outside of our control. We have Thoughts about our Circumstances. Everything that happened in the past is a Circumstance. What other people do is a Circumstance. The weather is a Circumstance. Just be sure that when you look at Circumstances, you label them neutrally. Because, “it’s 56 degrees in Cleveland today” is a Circumstance. But “it’s been a gloomy autumn in Cleveland this year” is a Thought. See the difference? The latter has my opinion or judgement in it.
So let’s go back to the original painful thought of I am not good enough. You must identify the Circumstance that created this Thought. It doesn’t have to be the exact moment in time, although sometimes you will be able to identify it that closely. Often, with these old beliefs, you will be able to identify a general set of Circumstances. For example, perhaps you came to believe you were not good enough in many ways because you had a critical parent, or a super smart sibling.
The most important element here is to recognize that it was a CIRCUMSTANCE, and not a TRUTH. Just because your sibling was brilliant and good at everything does not mean that you weren’t good enough. Would you tell your son or daughter that just because their brother or sister was more talented than them in soccer that they were not good enough? Of course n0t! And it’s likely that no one ever told you that. But when we are young, our little minds give meaning to things because our brains aren’t fully developed and we don’t have the cognitive understanding to see things as they are. Children tend to think very egocentrically so they tend to see themselves as the center or cause of things. If Daddy withdraws most of the time because Mommy drinks too much wine and hassles him constantly, the child is likely to think,
Daddy must not love me because he always goes up to his room after dinner and doesn’t pay attention to me.
In my Hidden Beliefs Worksheet, I walk you through how to identify some of those old thoughts and beliefs that program your Love Radar.
So if you want to reset your Love Radar, you have to change those old thoughts and beliefs to ones that will work to get the Results you want in the above model. So working backwards, if the Result you want is to set your Love Radar to a great target, identify a few things about this target.
Then, determine how you would have to Act and Feel to attract those qualities. Or we can keep it even simpler in our example. Knowing what our current Thinking is doing to program our Love Radar, what would I have to think AND BELIEVE instead? How about
I am enough, exactly as I am today. I know there are good men out there who treat women with respect and are willing to listen.
But what if you don’t really believe that today? Stayed tuned for Part Two next week!
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